Published December 18, 2007
I stand
On the edge of the pool
Looking down into the sky.
The water is the only thing between me
And the atmosphere within the earth.
I jump in
But instead of hard concrete
My feet touch nothing
For a moment I feel the rush
Of cold water
Enveloping me
And then nothing.
I look up at the sky above me
Above the ceiling of water
Then down at the sky below me
The blue expanse beneath the ground.
An endless realm
A sunken sky
A place where dreams are real
A place where magic lives.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,743 Reviews
That's pretty cool! Yeah I think you could put in more deatail with your talent
.
I really like that part, neat idea!
Firstly, no double posting and/or bumping up your own thread. ^_~
But now, onto your poem.
You have some good imagery here, but I think you should elaborate more on it by using figurative language (metaphors, similes etc).
There's nothing wrong with this, but I'm not sure how I feel about the sudden new paragraph. It's really a matter of personal preference, but [in my opinion] you should put ellipses (...) at the end of the second-last line.
This is a very original idea for a poem, and it's quite good at the moment, but I think you can make this more interesting and more complex. This has great potential.
Try adding more figurative language/metaphors etc. Interesting metaphors can do wonders for a poem. ^_^
Anyways, keep working on this! You're much better at poetry than me.
Cheers,
Ayra
First off, welcome to YWS! If you have any questions or need help feel free to find me.
I liked everyone but the ending. It was too rainbow-and-puppy-dogs-and-fluffy-white-clouds for me, haha, if you understand that. I loved everything else up until "A place..."
Also, punctuation is your friend. ^_^ Poetry & Punctuation.
If you need to add something to your post, by the way, you can hit the "edit" button in the top right corner.
I hope you guys (and girls!) like this poem. U C, this morning I was standing in my back yard looking down into my pool. The water was perfectly still, and in it you could see the reflection of the sky. I thought that was really cool, so I write Sunken Sky. Hoe you like!